35 going on 13

I saw a post today where this woman said that your kids are not babies anymore so you’re at a stage where you’re discovering yourself and what makes you happy again and honestly, I just started bawling my eyes out because it’s true. 

For the most of my adult life, I’ve put my identity in being a mom, a single mom, a divorced mom, a single woman, trying to find a Husband, for whatever reason all those things were supposed to give me some type of worth and value to the world, as if the only thing I ever had to say was about being single and being a mom. That may have been because I got divorced so young, I mean I was 23 years old. Most people are barely graduating college and dating to find their person and I had gone and had kids and signing off my life in divorce paperwork. In a lot of ways that handicapped me from actually living life and discovering do I even like the life that I’m living or could it be better? 

I’ll be the first to say that I put a lot of pressure on myself and I get into my head all the time and I am my biggest critic so if you have something negative to say about me, get in line because what I have to say about me so much worse. I spent countless nights crying over my insecurities and hating my body, all to realize that my kids were watching and I was shaping their identity through that also. Recently I forced myself to have a better relationship with my body when my daughter asked me if she could go on a diet. Y’all she is 8 years old!! Skinnier than a toothpick but from watching me she was feeling some type of way about the little 3 pounds she did gain this summer. At that moment I realized, girl you need to chill and love yourself. 

One of the darkest moments of my life I was dealing with a thyroidstorm and crippling depression. That is hard to describe, the best way I could describe it is when in the movie 13 ghosts, the daughter put on a pair of glasses and was able to see the jackal standing in front of her and then he attacked her. That’s how it felt. I felt like I had finally put on glasses and I’d seeing all of the traumatic things of my life seeping out of my pores, and attacking my mind and my body. It was so incredibly dark and I wished that I could just end it all for some kind of relief. The only thing that had me going was being a mom and I think at that moment in my life, the identity of being a mom is what kept me kept me alive and moving forward. I didn’t know what I was moving forward to, but at least it was alive. 

The depression was lonely and dark like I was falling into a deep ocean and I knew if I just swam up, I could breathe but I didn’t have energy to do that. I didn’t have energy to swim up in breathe or maybe I did but I didn’t want to because I knew if I swam to the top, there would be waves crashing down on me and it would take extra energy just to stay afloat, so it was easier just to let my body sink to the bottom of the ocean.

Who was I? That is the question I constantly had to ask myself because I can no longer stand in the fantasy of falling in love, but I also was at a place in motherhood where they didn’t need me anymore. They needed a different version of mother and I was so scared to really be her. Kind of reminded me of Skarlet Witch. Yeah I know. I definitely relate my life to movies way too much but stay with me. You know when scarlet witch attacks Wanda and the boys are scared of her. That’s where I felt desperately trying to get to my kids and be the version that they wanted me to be. But all along, I just had to heal because they were loved, and they were loved so deeply even in the darkest points of my life. I was a good mom and they were loved, and I had to, accept that I had to be brave, and forgive myself for all the dark moments in my life. I had to forgive myself for every time I shut down. I had to forgive myself for every time I thought I wasn’t enough. I had to forgive myself for every moment that I’ve neglected my life in some shape or form. I was enough. I am enough. Just last month my son said “mom don’t you know? you’re the prize!”  No, I don’t, but I’m working on it. 

I don’t know if it’s just because this happens every time my birthday comes around or if it was the new moon but the self reflection and shadow work that I’ve been going through has been tiresome, but very much needed. I’ve been dealing with the deepest darkest parts of my soul, and releasing and letting go. Honestly, I am pretty messed up and I have a ton of energy stored up in my body waiting to explode, but I am doing my best to release it in finding myself again and discovering who am I and what makes me happy so what makes me happy? 

The first thing that comes to my mind is hearing my kids laugh. That pure belly laughter, that makes me happy. Walking on the grass, barefoot or being barefoot in general just walking. That always makes me happy; I love feeling the earth underneath my feet. A good romance book with a dark twist. I absolutely love being with trees in the early mornings. If I could walk through a forest every single morning and feel the Sun on my face that would make me happy. Listening to water in a river run by- it’s so peaceful to me and instantly relaxing being in water. I feel most alive when I’m in water also. I love going to the movies and watching movies at home. I love hugs, those long bearhugs are my absolute favorite. Laughing with my favorite people and not just laughing, I mean like the laughter that makes you cry and your stomach hurt and your face numb. Being woken up by kisses on my bare back. I haven’t felt that in a long while but that really makes me happy. Oh and calloused hands on my face. Saturday morning breakfast with a house full of noise. I love love. And thinking about potentially falling in love one day. I love animals and hopefully one day I get to have a whole farm full of them.  I want to be a better rollerblader, and also spend more time on a longboard. Going for a walk at sunset. I guess it’s safe to say, and establish that I like being on walks. Dancing but not just any kind of dancing. I’m thinking like a Nicholas Sparks movie type of dancing where you’re at some country bar slow dancing with the love of your life. I love a good cheeseburger or a good steak, and I can eat sushi every day for the rest of my life and be completely satisfied. I want to be deeply loved by my future mother in law and I want to deeply love her. But there I go again talking about nothing and saying everything, but what would actually makes me happy just authentically. 

I guess what ultimately makes me happy is dreaming. I love to dream about the future and hope that one day I’ll get to have everything I ever imagined. And that kind hope makes me happy. What makes you happy?

Unlit next time, I love you, 

- Carissa